Therapy Thursday: Moving Forward Depsite the Chaos

This a special day for me to post, one because I had been grappling with what content to submit today - Therapy Thursday for problem-solving suggestions, or Thoughtful Thursday to add another affirmation. Given yesterday's events, I think I plan to do both. Look for another post later today that will empower and motivate you!! Thanks to all my new followers *waving* You guys are so wonderful! I hope that whomever comes across today's post can give me some constructive and loving criticism of an experience I am having.


Well, I have a friend, we'll call her Eve (no this is NOT a Mother Nature/ biological post, its actually about a person, lol) and she has been through quite a bit emotionally and mentally over the past few years. I don't want to get too specific, but basically here is the fast and furious of it all:

Eve meets guy
Eve falls in love, guy moves in
Eve finds out guy is a cheater, liar, player, etc.
Eve stays with guy until getting strength to leave
Way out - acceptance to grad school in another state
Eve moves from friends/broken relationship to other state for school
Eve comes to new city/state, is mugged, loses vital documents
Eve is a little down, invited to a church service and is moved to pursue goals
Eve befriends a group, at church is offered a ride to her living space in town (here's where I come in)

As I drive her home, its clear that there is a lot going on that she is attempting to leave behind. On one hand, she is very emotionally hurt about the relationship; on the other hand, she sees the blessings that are happening to help her get over the situation and move her forward.

Let's fast forward one year. Eve just started grad school and is enjoying it very much. She becomes involved with a variety of community groups - largely Christian organizations in the city, and seems to have found her niche for helping others (from what I can tell of my visits and conversations with her). In an abrupt move, She confides to me what she believes to be a revelation - the divine has told her to drop out of the grad school program she is in and to pursue a mission of helping others. No specific organization, group, program..

Just helping others as they come into contact with her. I have heard things like this before from friends and it doesn't surprise me, but I was concerned because before this decision she mentioned that she was not having enough time studying due to all the prayer events and special meetings she was attending with all these local churches.. She was also having some financial issues that were not being resolved even with support from her grad program.

Let's fast forward another year. I am pregnant at this time, but still trying to be somewhat available for her. She has already decided to leave her grad program, but did not necessarily make the proper preparations: Doing poorly the first semester put her on academic probation, and she was enrolled in semester 2 but not going to classes. After several strange incidents - a falling out of friends at a prayer group she used to attend, she begins to show some signs of mental distress --- feelings that people are talking/gossiping about her, stalking her, watching her every move. following her home..... She begins to call me more frequently, asking for prayer, words of encouragement, scripture, etc. It comes to a point where instead of leaving school on her own terms, she has to file a leave of absence due to medical reasons (instability). She had a falling out with the roommate, the roommate left and she was responsible for housing fees - but she is now no longer enrolled and so the work-study job was neglected - her hours were reduced, which left her no choice but to move out (or face eviction), pack/give away things and seek other living space.

Fast forward 6-9 months. I have my beautiful son :) I am still somewhat present with Eve through all this, while juggling my own grad school work, baby, hubby, you know the usual...
Eve decides its best to move back to her previous city, because she cannot find work, she no longer feels support from the church organizations she frequented, except for a few places, where she thinks she is being exploited for her skills and abilities. Its a chaotic move, due to the financial unsteadiness and the feelings of abandonment by others whom she thought were her friends. She sells much of her items, gives away many more things, and moves away. We keep in touch via phone, but I dont hear from her for 3 months or so.

The therapy issue is this -- she has basically moved back into the bad history that she once fled from. Although the love interest is gone, the old friends and acquaintances are still there and gossip is spreading about why she is back and her financial and mental state...etc. These things are getting to her, because she is basically starting over and many of the same gossipy friends are the ones that are helping her with housing, storage, and transportation. Instead of seeking a new support circle, she begins to rely on a select few, and I think slowly burns them out ..... she believes still that God has moved her there and that she has a mission, but now the revelation is unclear - muddled with stressors from the past and now a new ones that she didn't have to worry about before.

Throughout all this, I am encouraging her to seek additional help to bring some clarity to her situation, as well as find a steady job, stable housing, and try to start separating herself from the old brood of negative people she once met, so that she can gain a new level of independence in a familiar place. I feel that now I may have created an unhealthy level of dependence on me.

At one point, she was calling me daily, leaving me messages and saying they were urgent and that she was in a bind - financially, spiritually, etc. However, when I would call Eve back, she chatted incessantly about the relationship she had 3 yrs ago, and the people who "did her wrong" in her home city. She seems to have lost the drive to move forward. A few months ago, she came to visit. It was not pretty. I let her stay overnight at my place. We gave her money for food, gas and asked if she needed anything else. She flatly refused, but I felt like (and still do today) feel that there is something else going on that is diminishing her energy.

She recently came into town. She drove to my home several times and did not see my car, and left a message wanting to stay overnight. She came by yesterday morning ( I was at work) and requested hubby give her the home phone and his cell # to reach me. Hubby is now concerned that this friend is more in need than we think and now that we have the baby it is very hard to accommodate her. When I finally talk to her, I feel like I am having the same conversation I had with her months ago. I ask about her plans, her dreams, her goals. I ask if she has any help -- if she has gotten guidance on whether to move back to my city or stay where she is. I ask her about her attempts to work and/or exchange services to the people with whom she has been staying in her home city. Every response starts with " I dont know" or " I m not sure whats going on"... Its starting to be a mental drain on me and my time (i'm at work and hubby sends me a text - you need to call Eve - she keeps calling the house and Kem is trying to sleep)

My best friend, who is also a physician, thinks that Eve is in need of mental health support (to which i am starting to agree) and shows me some small but significant signs that Eve is showing some tendencies that I need to be careful of -- things that may make her unsafe to be around, especially with a small child. She thinks that I need to sever ties as soon as possible. I feel like Eve still needs a friend, but now all Eve seems to do is vent, ask for prayer, and wait. There seems to no longer be any action behind her words. I am mentally drained because I don't have any other way of encouragement or physical resources to help her, and I feel that maybe its starting to "rub off" -- after our hour-long conversations I am in no mood to do anything for at least 20-30 minutes. I am starting to feel stagnant myself.

Any suggestions on how to talk to her? I am planning to meet her today at a neutral, public location to chat but I am not used to burning bridges. I want to protect my family and I don't want this relationship to escalate to something else - i.e. stalking...

She needs help, but I just don't know how to help her anymore. The floor is open. I know some of you are great at finding the right words to say. I think I'm too close to the situation to have any good ideas. Have you been in Eve's shoes? How did you get through? What did your friend(s) do, if anything?

I'm all ears and laying out in the chair!! Chat with me - I need some therapy here :)

Receptive and listening,
Lina